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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Crackle's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, June 29th, 2010
10:50 am
You don't sell out all at once.
Lucky was perfect. Once General Mills saw him, they realized that nobody else could possible embody their new Lucky Charms cereal. He got to bargain, and he obtained creative control - he decided which charms were lucky, and which weren't.

For years, it was the four that he'd loved forever. While we are from different areas of Ireland, I understood completely why he chose those four items. They WERE lucky. Do you remember the poetry when he spoke them? Almost like a song. Full of lilt and power:

Orange stars! Yellow moons! Pink hearts! Green clovers! If you have access to old commercials, listen to him saying these words in the early 1970s.

And then, he got into debt, as many people do. And in 1975, I was in his kitchen, cooking a special meal for him, P, and three representatives of the DeBeers company. And then P was asked to wait in the kitchen with me (and he didn't help me clean up a thing, of course) and a month or two later, it was: Orange stars! Yellow moons! Pink hearts! Green clovers! and Blue Diamonds!

Lucky was perfect, and he managed to say "Blue Diamonds" enthusiastically, but they just aren't lucky - not in the same way the others are, anyway. And the words just didn't flow.

And in 1984, more debt, a meeting with representatives from the Cottam Horseshoe company, and he added "Purple Horseshoes." He didn't even PRETEND to say it with rhythm, for the phrase HAS no rhythm. Orange stars! Yellow moons! Pink hearts! Green clovers! and Blue Diamonds! and Purple Horseshoes. THUD.

By the early 1990s, he was negotiating with Carter-Wallace - the manufacturers of Trojan Condoms. I will not even TELL you what their initial offer to him was, but after a compromise we had Red Balloons. They aren't even lucky at ALL!

P does this amazing imitation of Lucky saying" Orange stars! Yellow moons! Pink hearts! Green clovers! and Blue Diamonds! and Purple Horseshoes... and ummm... red balloons.... oh! and Grey Capacitors! And puce bits of string, I think, oh god I am such a green whore."

But, all kidding aside... a tombstone key? a time-traveling hourglass? Jesus, Lucky, this is my heritage, too.
Monday, June 20th, 2005
10:32 pm
Diplomacy of the Stupid
For two months Toucan Sam has been bragging that he's been doing top-secret diplomacy work for the US government. Snap! found out through an Afghani friend who found out from god-knows-where that all Toucan Sam did was visit Saddam Hussein a few times over breakfast to try to get him to give away secrets. Saddam told him to get lost.

Thank you very much for all of your emails. I'm living at home again, doing new photoshoots for cereal boxes, and all. P. is threatening to go on strike if Kellogg's doesn't do something about boxes of our cereal being displayed between Shrek and Scooby Doo. Marylin is engaged. Life goes on.
Tuesday, September 14th, 2004
7:13 am
Ignore anything you've read in the press; they got it all wrong. I never had a fistfight with *POW*. I've never said more than two words to him.

I got a call yesterday morning, asking me to come to work. *POW* had just been fired. Evidently, Snap! and P. refused to come in until he was gone. I feel bad about the way it all happened, but after the third take of the "dive into the milk from a diving board" commercial I felt like myself again, and was insanely happy all the day.

We went out at eight-o-clock to this huge party that Smedley was holding, and P. deliberately slipped cocoa-puffs to Sonny the Cuckoo Bird, and mayhem ensued, and it was great.

After work today, I'm going to call Natasha.
Thursday, September 9th, 2004
7:12 am
Mom and Dad would have let me stay forever, but it was time to return to work. If it weren't for my job, I wouldn't exist, after all.

I was going to call Marilyn the day before, so she could plan the shooting schedule appropriately, but then I realized that my long, unexplained absence gave me an opportunity I would likely never have again.

So at 6 AM I lay on P.'s doorstep, made up like a corpse. It might seem that just laying there for an hour or so would require heroic patience, but I'd undergone far worse at the prison recently. This was nothing.

At 7 AM the door opened, and there was a scream. It wasn't P., it was some muscle-bound guy I'd never seen before. P. came to the door, wearing nothing but a towel and a collar, and tensed up like he was going to scream, too, but suddenly kicked me very hard. When I winced, he started calling me names, and then he was crying and the muscle guy had no idea what was going on, and I started to cry, too.

I had a cup of pretty bad Lipton while P. got ready for work, and we went together. He wanted me to do the corpse-routine for Snap!, but it was out of my system.

I hadn't even suspected that I'd been replaced - I thought they would just use old footage and odd camera angles. But there at the meeting table were Chaim, Marilyn, Snap! and *POW*.

*POW* was wearing a ten-gallon hat, smoking a cigarette, and had a well-trimmed mustache. The others seemed to like him. P. looked at me with an expression I'd never seen on his face before - shame. "Surprise," he said quietly.
Thursday, August 26th, 2004
10:31 am
Cheered up
This morning began with a young woman eating two bowls of Rice Krispies cereal out of a mixing bowl in her underwear.

Cheered up, I got out of the straw nest on the floor, stepped over the snoring Banana Wackies Gorilla, and decided to start taking my life back.

I'm not ready to go to work yet, but I will be in Ireland in two hours, greeting my mother, telling her I'm okay, and telling her what's wrong.

I'm sure there will be a manditory visit to Mrs. Keebler, and then ...

and then whatever I do, it will be in a forward direction.
Sunday, August 22nd, 2004
5:02 pm
About 40 years ago, I moonlighted as the embodiment of Banana Wackies cereal. I was soon replaced by Wackies Boy and Banana Wackies Gorilla, because moonlighting was against the rules.

I spent last night on the floor of the small apartment of Wackies Boy (now Wackies Man) and Banana Wackies Gorilla (now King Wackimus Grodd Supreme). You have never smelled any apartment this bad. And they charged me rent. I have no money, but they took my I.O.U.

I think I have hit rock bottom. It may be time to go home.
Saturday, August 21st, 2004
9:16 pm
Kicked out
Tip for you all, just in case:

When the Kool-Aid man has two bottles of everclear in him, it is not a good time to get him on the subject of Goofy Grape, Jolly Olly Orange, et. al. It is especially a bad idea to mention the brothers: Chinese Cherry and Choo-Choo Cherry.

I have no idea where I'm going to stay tonight.
Sunday, August 8th, 2004
9:21 am
I have to get out of here.
If I were to stay at your home, the first night, at 4 AM, I would start organizing your cabinets.

I do that - it makes me feel more comfortable, and I have never met anyone who minded the gesture. I do it so quietly that nobody wakes up and although you will guess that it was me, I will not leave you any concrete evidence.

My father would clean gunk out of his hosts' pipes. My grandfather would go through the house and repair all the shoes. It's just what we do.

Kool-Aid's cabinets were easy. Ruffles in one cabinet, Doritos in a second, and the 15 bottles of Everclear in a third.

That was when I arrived. We are down to one bottle. All he does is watch baseball, eat snacks, order pizza, and pour bottles of everclear into himself.
Friday, August 6th, 2004
8:55 am
Dear Kool-Aid.

Thank you for rescuing me. You probably saved my life.
This does not make you non-annoying.

It is NOT necessary to go "Ohhhh Yeah!!!!!" loudly after every succesful bowel movement.
Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004
3:04 pm
Thinking out of the box as it were
I have no idea what date it is. I have no idea what year it is.

Over a year in a Bulgarian prison. I stopped counting, I think. I don't know. I tried to escape, but there really was no way. Mindless days to think... couldn't get sleep. Got too much sleep.

Then, about an hour ago - simplicity itself. I went to the prison exercise yard and yelled out "Hey, Kool-Aid!"

I'm in his Hastings, Nebraska mansion, trying to figure out what happens next.
Thursday, February 5th, 2004
9:15 am
From redlami

1. after all these years, you still have a youthful appearnce. what's your secret?

Embodiments rarely age. You will note that lately I'm looking even younger. Too young, in fact. I'm not a little boy.

2. you've been on tv a lot, but not in movies. what kind of film role would be right for crackle?

In Ireland, I once played Mephistopheles, and it was kind of fun. I think I would do a good Mephistopheles in the movies. It would also be fun if Snap!, P. and I played the witches in Macbeth.

3. makeovers are all the rage on tv these days. you've sported many different looks over the years, have you ever had a bad makeover experience?

I don't think so, but there are those who still make fun of us for the Fruity Marshmallow Krispies commercial, where I had a pineapple on my head and we were all Calypso. P. actually went to a few clubs wearing his outfit from that commercial.

4. if you couldn't be the embodiment for rice krispies, is there another product you would want to represent? if so, which one and why, otherwise why not?

If I weren't the embodiment of Rice Krispies, I would not exist.

5. have you ever been called two-dimensional? how would you answer such a statement?

I would put on my best Shrek voice and I would say, "Crackle is laichk an Onion"

The Rules:
You read this, and if you want me to ask you 5 questions you leave a comment, then you re-print these instructions when you answer those 5 questions in an entry of your own, so that other people can get asked questions by you. and so on...
Wednesday, December 17th, 2003
9:24 am
I hadn't been planning on seeing Return of the King, because The Two Towers got me so upset. (The way they used the short person as comic relief) Tony really wanted to go, though, so I said "okay." We decided to see it at an actual theater, instead of a private screening. It was relatively easy to go incognito, given that lots of people were dressed up as characters from the movie. A pair of size-12 shoes made me into a "hobbit", and a trenchcoat and hood made Tony into a "Nazgul".

Spoilers hereCollapse )

Natasha and I have not been speaking since this weekend. The dinner with her Uncle did not go well.
Friday, December 12th, 2003
8:22 am
One of our marketing people must have been insane.

Yesterday morning, we were given all these bandanas and stuff, because they wanted a photo shoot of us dressed "street." I was supposed to wear all these gold necklaces, and Snap! said, "Why does Crackle get the bling-bling?" I'm assuming that "bling-bling" is a "street" term for "necklace." Anyway, it was really idiotic, and Marilyn obviously thought so. Chaim said, "It's kind of neat that we are being condescending, brown-nosing, and unbelievably offensive to a large population, all at the same time."

After lunch, there were some angry phone calls, and we were told that the shoot was reconsidered. I took off my bling-bling and started getting ready to go.

P. didn't change. Instead he started this amazing rhythmic rhyming speech (Snap! called it a Rap) saying that the three of us were really tough, had lots of sex, did lots of drugs, and killed people. It was really funny, and then Snap! started doing it, too. When it was obvious I wasn't going to join in, Chaim grabbed my stocking cap, stood next to him, and started saying Raps, too. It was so hilarious, particularly since he is about thrice my height and the cap looked more like a pointy yarmulke on him than anything else.

It would have been nice to join them, but I couldn't think of anything to say. I did go home and write a Slettubönd:

Pop and Snap and Crackle create
Crazy raps and swinging rhymes
Your feet will tap, you'll bite the bait
Bewitched and trapped for all of time.
Thursday, December 4th, 2003
8:29 am
Slettubönd #2
I saw a mummy stitching, sewing
Saw the gummy cloth unroll
He was a dummy, never knowing
Near his tummy was a hole.
Wednesday, December 3rd, 2003
9:39 am
I don't think I really conveyed Mr. Peanut in that last posting. I find it a little odd to talk about him, just because he is technically not an embodiment as much as an icon, although he has been making the transition lately.

The thing about him is that he will be quiet for hours, and then, in his gentle, gentle, British accent, say the crudest, weirdest, most twisted stuff.

Okay, very long story very short. Natasha and I are due to have dinner with the Count next weekend. Kind of a formal affair. Well, everything feels formal with the Count, but this is kind of the first real Planned Dinner we have had with him since we were a couple. And the Count wanted us to each invite a friend of ours, and he is inviting one of his old friends.

Very short, I said: Tony can't make it. I invited Mr. Peanut.
Thursday, November 27th, 2003
1:01 pm
For the last few months I have been studying Icelandic Poetry. One of the most difficult forms I've learned about is called a slettubönd. The rhyme scheme is ABAB, the feet are roughly iambic, there is an additional internal rhyming word in each line, and there is an alliteration in two words at the end of odd numbered lines, repeated at the start of the even numbered lines.

I finally wrote one I like:

Slettubönd #1
The ghosts come out for midnight mass
Mumbled boasts between the pews
Hymnals float as pale ghouls pass
Perhaps the Host will hear the news.

Natasha quite liked it, although she didn't get it when I said, "I call it a Slettubönd; James Slettubönd."
12:40 pm
Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

I'm thankful for a job that I love, good friends and family, and the fact that I didn't lose my job for being thought a Satanist.
Monday, November 10th, 2003
8:05 am
Okay - I have to tell someone the Mr. Peanut story, so you get it.

I wasn't even supposed to be in the Target commercial, but there was all this politics with the various companies, and Kelloggs wanted more "representation" in that silly scene at the end, so Snap!, P. and I were supposed to walk in and look bewildered during the climax. (Snap! didn't show up, so they used a stand-in. You can tell)

Warning - a truly offensive joke is in this storyCollapse )
Wednesday, November 5th, 2003
9:31 am

I hope you all love the new Target commercial. It was very hard not to write about the filming process in here. P. and I didn't get a lot of screen time (and Snap! was a stand-in), but it was still wonderful to be on-camera with Tony. First time ever.

Mister Peanut is a hoot, and it was wonderful meeting him. I should - no, it's too fresh in my mind. I'll tell the story some other time.

The wrap party was unreal.
Saturday, October 25th, 2003
10:30 am
Steve Martin - a gifted comic actor who improves every year.
George Carlin - a gifted comedian who gets worse every year.

And me? I am neutral. The same every year. I would say that my work this year has been of exactly the same quality as it was ten years ago. Twenty years ago. The stagnation is killing me. For good or evil let the wheel turn!

I'm normally so content. But this morning, for some reason, I wish I could just ... grow.

I miss Fruity Marshmallow Krispies. I got to dance Calyspo for those commercials.
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